I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
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Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
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I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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