So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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