My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
