nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
