I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
