woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
