I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
