I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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