The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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