Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
