this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
