After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
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My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
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Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Randomize