Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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