Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
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