I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
