I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
