When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
