i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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