: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
