I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Randomize
