Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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