She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
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I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
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I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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