I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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