Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
