No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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