He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
