WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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