It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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