So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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