forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
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My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
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Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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