I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
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Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
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One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no