I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
