I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
