This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
