Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
