During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just gift wrapped bread.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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