You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
