You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
