I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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