I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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