yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
