she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
