My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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