i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
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I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
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Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize