if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
