Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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