We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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