I just pynch a tree in the face
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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