That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
