apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
