just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
