You smell like a Billy Joel song
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
