I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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