new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You ruined the universe
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
