before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
