Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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