I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
